” Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.( James 1:2-6 ESV)
Over the years I have wrestled with the concept of joy. For years I equated joy with my present circumstances. If things were going well, I was happy, singing my favorite songs, walking with my head held high, with a spring in my step. But as soon as things started seeming like they were headed in the wrong direction, I was discouraged, down, feeling like God wasn’t around…or even worse questioning why He was ignoring my pleas for help. Can you relate? And so this tumultuous relationship with joy continued until I entered some of the toughest years of my existence. It began with what I’ll call the pause. It was an almost endless season in life where absolutely nothing was happening. Well at least in my eyes nothing was happening. I got up each day went to work, went to church, talked to God in prayer daily, and read my Bible but it was like the doors of heaven were completely shut. And so weeks turned to months, which spilled into years. At one point I remember getting up one day and telling my roommate at the time, that I felt like I fell into a wormhole and couldn’t get out of it. Even a desert seemed to have more resources than my life. To add to this I found myself suddenly battling sickness.
I had a heavy menstrual cycle for years but I dealt with it. At every annual physical, the doctor would tell me that I was anemic, and for years, on and off I would take iron supplements to deal with this and keep on with life. But one day everything changed. I had a heavy month as usual and thought nothing of it. Getting ready for bed one night I felt so unsteady on my feet, that the room seemed to be spinning. I couldn’t speak, or move my limbs, I felt paralyzed, my heart was racing, and I was out of breath. I called an ambulance to my apartment as I was alone. By the time they came, I started feeling better, but I was pretty quick. The next day I went to the doctor and he told me that the anemia was severe to the point I needed a blood transfusion. I declined the transfusion and told the doctor I would try the higher dosage of iron pills and see what happens. This began a rollercoaster of events. After months of taking iron pills, it was like someone turned a switch on and my monthly cycle became like a faucet, it became apparent that the iron pills weren’t enough. I switched to birth control pills next to try and control the cycle. But soon after starting them, my body went haywire. My cycle didn’t stop…I just kept bleeding. Soon joint pains started, severe debilitating fatigue, and brain fog. No matter what dosage I was placed on, the bleeding continued. I went from taking 1 to 3 pills a day before it finally stopped. I tried many different forms of birth control ending with an IUD, that had to be removed surgically as it got stuck.
The years that followed were brutal. The cycle got heavier and heavier. I lived in a constant state of fatigue and brain fog. I finally decided to try something else. The hematologist I was referred to suggested taking iron intravenously as I was critically anemic. The morning of the first infusion, I sat listening to the IV nurse go over the side effects of taking iron intravenously, I was so exhausted I just wanted to feel better. But nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. The nurse cheerfully reassured me that no one had any reactions to IV iron in her time at the center, that she was aware of and prepared to start the IV. Within a few minutes of the infusion, my blood pressure dropped, my heart began to race, I began to feel my body going numb and my head becoming cloudy and I felt like I was slipping away. As I looked towards the ceiling I just knew I was going to die and there was nothing I could do about it. The nurse realized what was happening and stopped the infusion, what proceeded next was a bit of organized chaos as doctors rushed in, a rescue was called and they began injecting me with medication to try and reverse the reaction. The nurse looked visibly shocked. As I came to reality I realized that if it wasn’t for God’s grace who knows what would have happened?
I’d like to say that this situation brought out gratitude and joy for life. But instead, I almost became depressed by the situation as I realized that doctors had no answer for me. They did not know what happened to my cycle to cause it to go into overdrive. They didn’t know why I was so reactive to any measures to bring the body back to functioning normally. There was no answer to the extreme fatigue and cloudiness I seemed destined to live with. I remember in prayer asking God to heal my body and fix whatever was wrong with me but He seemed silent. Months after the disastrous infusion I was back at hematology. I asked for a referral to see a hematologist in Boston as I figured maybe I should seek help elsewhere.
……to be continued.