When you’ve been single for a long time it’s almost inevitable that questions of Why begin to creep up. Is it something that you did or are not doing? Was it this decision or perhaps that move? You try to find all the reasons why you’re in this place.
I realized over many years that sometimes it comes down to none of those things that you can just be single simply because it is God’s plan and over the years I’ve had a lot of discussions with people who have completely disagreed with me. I’m often told, “Well, in Genesis…God told Adam it’s not good that man should be alone.” There’s obviously truth in that but the reality is, it may just simply not be God’s plan for your life. Or, this time of singleness could be a season in your life.
With this in mind, the question becomes…what do you do with that? what do you do with all of your desires and the plans that you had for your life? How do you stay encouraged and focus on the things of God, when you do not see the things you desire and want coming to fruition in your life? Furthermore, it can be especially frustrating as people around you, seem to be living happy fulfilled lives with their relationships.
Clearly, marriage is God’s design. Besides the scriptural reference to man not being alone, there is also the directive to Adam in Genesis to be fruitful and multiply the earth. Well, that’s not gonna happen without a spouse! We read that children are a blessing from God and for most people, that comes in the context of a marriage. We read the story of Esther or the story of Ruth. In the New Testament, there are mentions of couples that served God and were a blessing to the New Testament church.
That’s great…but that’s not my life, you think. My friend, I understand. I became a Christian at 21 and I could honestly say that prior to that, I never thought of marriage at all. I dreamt and planned out my pursuit of a career. I also thought constantly of getting out of my situation. Although I didn’t think of marriage, I did want a relationship. I was perfectly fine with just having a boyfriend. I just simply did not want to be alone. But when I became a Christian, I got saved in a church where marriage was a big focus, and rightly so. Healthy marriages should produce healthy families. The fellowship I was birth into had a broader vision of reaching the world for Jesus. This is done through evangelizing and planting churches. Couples that go out from their “mother church” and lay their lives down for the gospel throughout the States and all over the world. This was simply stunning to me. When I began to realize that God has such a bigger purpose on the earth and it’s about bringing the gospel to people, I wanted that desperately. I wanted to be one of those couples that go out and touch the world. I wanted to be one of those couples who leave everything behind….and they go out and start a work for God. My motivation, and honestly the heart behind everything I began to do was this deep desire to be a missionary. After attending my first church conference, I felt that this was God’s plan for me and it’s all I wanted.
I lived in anticipation of this happening. At the time, there was nothing anyone could have told me differently. My church at the time, was by an airport, and every time I left the church upon driving past the airport. I would just watch the airplanes taking off. Every time I did this all I could think of was the day my flight would be taking off, to some faraway country. As I continued attending church, all of my friends that I had come into the church with, started dating. Pretty soon, the weddings started. I was excited and filled with joy for all of them. I just literally thought I was next, no one was gonna tell me I wasn’t. But as the years began to unfold I remained single. I wasn’t even dating. In fact, it seemed like I was invisible, even though I was surrounded by men.
As years passed, I continued to live with the strong burden and desire to be a missionary. Eventually, everyone I had come into the church with had gotten married, except my roommate. and one of my very best friends from a sister church. But soon enough even she got married. Sarah and I had been friends since she was 18. And at just 29, she was one of the oldest of our group of friends to get married. For years we would talk about God’s plan and his will for our lives and she was ready to get married and get on with God’s plan for her. As the years passed and she waited, eventually her husband to be, walked into the church and they got married. After she got married, I was like OK…I’m next because I was older than her I thought to myself. At the time I was 33, but it didn’t happen. Pretty soon I turned 35 and for the first time, I began to think…maybe marriage was not going to happen for me.
I remember going to my pastor and asking him where did I go wrong? Have I missed the boat in my life? Why am I not married? but even more perplexing was the fact that not a single guy in almost 13 had ever shown an interest in me. I just did not understand. I was pretty frustrated… if my heart desired to be a missionary and to do something for God …why wasn’t this happening?? Was I not Christian enough for anyone? All kinds of thoughts and questions ran through my head. I would like to say that I concluded that this was God’s plan. But I couldn’t and didn’t want to even go there in my mind. So I decided I would just continue living in anticipation that my time would soon come.
By the time I was 38, I felt like I was ready to cry uncle, and give up my dreams. One evening in October of that year, I received a phone call that changed my life. A few months after that call I began the process of adopting two children from China. Honestly, it all happened so fast and slowly at the same time. Even though it was a two-year process…a year after they came home it was like I blinked and I found myself, due to a series of circumstances, packing a Uhaul and taking a picture in front of my house…I just sold. As the kids and I loaded the last few items I felt like I got smacked in the face as I realized that this was indeed God’s plan. I knew it. I can’t explain to you really how I knew it, but it was like a witness in my heart. I wish I could tell you I was filled with joy but instead, I was shocked. I really was and thought out loud… how could this be your plan, God? Why would this be your plan? It was especially perplexing because I grew up in a single-parent household. In fact, a good chunk of the women in my family were single parents. I thought that my story would be different. I never imagined that God’s plan for me was single parenthood. Over the years people have said such mean and cruel things regarding this. Those of you out there who are single parents you know the struggle is real. Especially when you have more than one child. You understand how difficult it is to raise children alone. But as I’ve had to process it, I begin to realize through all of the events that happened leading up to adopting…had I been married, it wouldn’t have happened. That is sobering because we often live life as if it’s just about us.
We have dreams…we have plans and hopes but are they what God has in mind? In Jeremiah, God says that He knows the plans that He has for us. That changed everything because it made me realize that when you become a Christian not everybody has the same walk. Just because in your mind, you think things should work out a certain way, it might not be God’s plan for you. And you have to process that, you have to be open to what God wants to do. And that is the question…will you be?
It’s hard to wait. But though it is challenging, how you wait can be even more. Will you wait miserably? Will you wait angry? Will you become bitter? Or will you say… you know what, I’m done… I’m gonna chart my own course for my life. I won’t sit here and say I’ve never had any of those things flow through my mind. I would be lying, as I’ve had all those things float through. But at the end of the day, I’ve had to get my heart right and ask the question is it about God, or is it about me? Even though we say we surrender …I’ll speak for myself. I thought that meant, yes God! I’m going to serve you, but I still want this that, or the other. There’s a frustration when it doesn’t happen. But God’s functions outside of our time. We’re limited to how many years we live on planet Earth. We think that because we’re getting older and time is passing God is unable or will not move in our most challenging circumstances. But God lives outside of the time constraints. He can move despite.
So I write to challenge your faith and encourage you to lay down your will and your desires. See what God will do because the fact of the matter is… had I rushed and just found someone to marry because I was fed up with waiting… I wouldn’t have had my children. I wouldn’t have had them as our paths would not have crossed at all. So though it’s not an easy journey being a single parent, I wouldn’t change anything for the world.
The devil always tries to show us the bad and the worst in everything. The difficulties in situations but the reality is life is full of difficulties, whether or not you’re married. I now realize that yes, my heart desired to be a missionary, to touch lives for Jesus. But the reality is, I am doing that because my children are from a foreign nation. I may never have the opportunity to go abroad and become a missionary, but my kid’s lives will be forever impacted by God’s grace and love. God’s will is not always about us, it includes us of course! God moves in the fullness of time accomplishing much with one action.
Our job is to let God be God and our single hope!